I have learned that I am not a modern woman if a modern woman means a woman who will have sex indiscriminately. Sex is not the same as a simple handshake; not for me. I like sex a lot, but I am choosey, and deciding that he would be the man was a decision; I did not take it lightly. I gave him something I have not given to any other man. He didn’t ask me to do this, give only to him. And he isn’t doing this himself (as far as I know), but I am, because I do not ever want multiple partners. I’m strictly a one man at a time woman..
That kind of touching is sacred to me, and I’m most particular with whom it happens. I realize that this means certain physical pleasures may not happen for me, but sex will be even more special, and that is how I prefer it.
The man I prefer is not nearby, and he may not feel the same at all. I had something real with him, and though we are not at a point where exclusivity has entered into anything, and maybe never will, I am not comfortable seeking another while waiting to see if anything ever happens between us.
Guess I lose all around
One thing about me is that I can be quite loyal. I have learned that I do not want any other man to touch me; I do not want to touch any other man.
I have heard and seen knock-down, drag-out battles between supposed lovers, and I can say for sure, that the man I care about would not hit me; he just wouldn’t, and I can assure you that I would never hit him.
I do not believe in hitting something worth caring about. He knows how I feel, and maybe I’m a fool trying to exist in these modern times…
I know I am not required to be faithful to him, or to any pipe dream, but I’m being faithful to what I believe..
That touching me, holding me is a privilege that not every man is going to get; a very select few. Such as him.
No sex for me since I saw him, October 2014; my choice again. It’s not a casual thing for me at all. And maybe he will come to appreciate that. And if he doesn’t, I still had the best sex, the best intimacy of my life… The best dates of my life.
I will probably never again be kissed the way he kissed me. But it’s worth it to be kissed like that just once. And it’s not likely that I will ever again kiss a man the way that I kissed him.
Oh, I’m pretty enough to attract a lot of interest, and I do, but I don’t want it…
No mere physical attraction here, but plenty of that also.
I am not a fan of online dating; it really helped that I already –sort of– knew him, but never as a lover; this was something we had to discover, and for me, it was everything. Everything. Of course, I hope that sooner or later, he will realize that I too am a prize, his prize.
I have kissed several men, but I didn’t like it; no sparks, no ignition of anything within me, nothing to keep me going back. No sparks, and I must have them.
He ignited everything…
And now that I know what it’s like to be close to him, I don’t want to be close to anyone else.
That’s just how it is. I have written about him and everything. My new book of poetry “Wannabe Hoochie Mama Gallery of Realities’ Red Dress Code” (Persea Books, September 2016) couldn’t even exist without his input. This is not mere dependence. This is choice. I am waiting to see what, if anything, happens. Or doesn’t.
I am worth it…
I just want him to really see this also.
And there is going to be another book about my being with him… He means that much to me, and I may be crazy for feeling as I do –I fully realize that I may never have this man, and no, I’m not as crazy as Porsha over Duke on RHOA, but I already know something good when I see it, when I touch it, when I kiss it…
This poem is about him; already written , and he knows it; is going to be in my new book also, “Wannabe Hoochie Mama Gallery of Realities’ Red Dress Code”
Not much more that I can say. I’ve said it all. He knows who he is… I just had to say this. Whether or not he wants to be, he is the man for me. Maybe I’m just hurting myself or setting myself up for a very lonely life, but so be it. He’s worth it.
And so am I!